Coping After Betrayal by Partner

my ex cheated on me with his “lesbian” bsf…

I held it down for my man who ened up on life support for 12 days. he got out put a ring on my finger and then started to switch up. I called him out. I even tried to work thru. I knew he was cheating and he couldn't be honest wit me after 20 years on and off. I walked away. but then my dumb ass was there to catch him when he fell. here we are bid #5 or #6 i cant even anymore. I hold it down and the time i need him the most when my brother blew his brains out he told me not to come to visits for 30 days. since then he been moving different. his whole fam has. smfh it NEVER matters how loyal u are to someone and how hard u love. what bothers me is what is wrong with me? why can't he love me the same? why can't he show support? why won't I ever be good enough?